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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

THE COLBERT REPORT Defends STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Lightsaber


During last night's episode of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, host Stephen Colbert returned from his Thanksgiving break to discuss "a major confict once again in a troubled desert region."  And if you're at all familiar with the show, you could probably guess he wasn't referring to Iraq or Syria.

To audience applause, Colbert showed footage from the new teaser trailer to J.J. Abrams' upcoming film Star Wars: The Force Awakens that broke the internet faster than a greased-up Kim Kardashian could ever hope to do.  "The new Star Wars trailer dropped over Thanksgiving weekend and it was all anyone in my family could talk about," said Colbert, "which unfortunately, led to my Aunt Rita saying some horribly racist things about the Gungan."

Colbert talked about how he had the opportunity to see the original Star Wars in 1977 two weeks before everyone else.  "I tried to explain how everything was different now because nobody had seen it.  They thought my Darth Vader impression was just asthma...though, I will say I did get out of gym for a month."

"And let me tell you, folks," continued Colbert, "this trailer has got everything you want in a Star Wars movie -- wakesurfing X-Wings, R2-D2's head playing soccer, even a black Stormtrooper.  So for the record, Jawas, if he stops you and frisks you, it's not racist.  Also, you're kind of asking for it with those hoodies."

"That's not even the best part, folks -- check out this awesome lightsaber," he added, referring to the cross-hilt lightsaber shown being operated by a Sith.  "It's a lightsaber with two mini-lightsabers on it!  It's a menage-a-sabre.  Sadly, there are some stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerfherders out there who aren't thrilled with the new Jedi weapon.  They say if these things are supposed to protect your hands like sword hilts, it wouldn't work because the first time you cross lightsabers and it slid down to the bottom of the blade, your opponent's lightsaber would chop through the little side sabers and take off your hand.  Or, as it was stated on Twitter..."


"Well, I say it's a perfect design," argued Colbert as he pulled out a crudely-drawn version of the lightsaber on a wipe board.  "See, here's how it works, I've done my analysis, okay?  People think it's actually three different plasma streams, but it's all one.  The long beam, it comes out and the two smaller beams at the bottom, okay, they're still attached to it.  They don't start where the little metal hilt ends, okay, they're attached to the other beam inside.  The metal hilts are just casings around the beams to protect your hand.  Even if someone slices through the metal, they're gonna hit the beam right there.  Any Padawan knows that."

"Now, I know what you're thinking," he continued in a mocking tone, "you're saying 'But Stephen, in the trailer, the first light beam comes out before the other two.  How could it all be one beam?'  Well, Greg, it's simple...You just need three focusing crystal activators to split the plasma into perpendicular blade energy channels.  Confused?  Well, you'll understand in two weeks when you catch up to where I'm at."

Greg, whoever he is, could not be reached for comment.

If you'd like to check out the full video, you can view it below thanks to Colbert Nation...




Star Wars: The Force Awakens is scheduled to arrive in theaters on December 18, 2015.

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